3-10-2025

Where even to start.

To any of my readers, you have most definitely noticed my abscence from the page. For that, I apologize. Life, studies, it all hit me hard. I wanted to believe that I could take on the new year with everything I've got, but that proved to be very difficult.

I was doing fine for the first month, of course. Exciting new prospects on my horizons and things to look forward to. As I said, studies and life hit me hard. I got into trouble at my school, in a horrible way, and over the last week I have been thrown off my course completely. It's made me miserable, it ruined my eating habits and left me restless and anxious beyond belief. But most of all, it made me rethink one of the greatest friendships I have had.

I loved him, really. Adored this guy. He understood parts of me I hid from so many people because he shared those traits, and he just- got it. I don't know how to describe the relationship I had with him besides what we called it. Best friends. Writing this, I miss him. He's not dead, I just had to be pried off and away from him because of the trouble we got in. It made me miserable. I lost a constant, reliable stream of affection he gave me at every moment. His time and attention for me never seemed to waver. He called himself my loyal knight. But with this situation, I'm horribly conflicted. Friends from class tell me he was no good for me, sometimes it feels like he's more of an abusive boyfriend like he and I would joke about. But- gahhhh. I don't even know!!! He consumed every moment of my life, he needed me, I felt, and I needed him. I felt miserable. I felt myself getting worse feeding into the things we indulged in together. I don't know realy. I'm just word vomiting. The point is: I got into a miserable situation and it made me miserable.

Surprisingly, my parents don't hate me. I was insanely relived to hear that. They've stuck by me through it all, including my little brother, my honorary big brother, my friends and most of all, my lover. He has been an angel through it all. I think, I realized what I have been needing. I need help. A lot of it. I haven't been okay for so long and it's striken the fear of god into me to admit I need it!!!

As I had previoisly said, I am moving. Far from where I grew up (only an hour), so it somewhat complicates my plans for therapy. My momma wanted me to get help, most of all. She said to my therapist today that she felt I was so- I guess not here, for more than a week. That recent events caused me to disapear. So I admitted I needed help. It's only been one visit, who's to say what this will bring to my life. My school friends have been a great deal of help as well. I was invited to a small birthday party of a friend of mine, they ran up and hugged me like never before when I arrived and we cried over fried chicken later. The called bullshit on what had happened, they defended me as they could, and although I couldn't spend the night I did leave feeling... good!

I realize now this entry is just- all over the place. I will probably end it here, I have to accompany my little brother to soccer practice later today and do not know if I will be able to write again today. However! If I do, I will update The Happenings and I will do my best to now stay on top of updating my site as often as possible. I love sharing things, I will do my best, that is a promise!