That’s Life! or: Grappling With the Modern Day Struggle of Choosing Between Survival and Living

If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, even with the little entries I have, I am sure you can tell I have a grand love for all things outdoors. I’ve lived my life in very populated and somewhat industrial cities, and growing up somewhat lower to middle class I never really had the choice to just retreat to a winter cabin or a summer home. Of course, my childhood and life wasn’t and isn’t completely devoid of nature. Although I don’t remember it all, my momma loves to show off childhood pictures of our family in the winter forests of Flagstaff, Arizona, some bits and pieces I do remember are memories of sledding in shitty, plastic Walmart sleds with my cousins and having the most stylish black overalls under a brown, pink, green, and white spotted wool sweater.

As some of you may know, I have been living in Southern California almost all my life. I moved here as a baby and have jumped around ever since. My recent move or plans to move towards the Inland Empire (like the movie) have me reminiscing on my childhood. I spent a lot of time by the ocean. Of course, not living by the beach, but more lucky to be about a 30 minute (or at worse, an hour during packed summer days) drive from the ocean. I frequent places such as Newport Beach and my favorite, Crystal Cove*, during the summers and love being by the ocean more than life itself. I’ve collected enough shells and sand dollars over the years to fill up the entire California coast. Point is, I love the ocean, always have and always will. I’m filled with such woe due to this move. On one hand, I’m closer to the mountains, the forest, to one of my most favorite places in the world: Big Bear, California, which is where I have had fleeting dreams of living in and have adored ever since my first childhood trips “to the snow” as we used to say. I think I should be ecstatic about the move. But as I’m sure I have made clear, I will miss the ocean dearly. I mean, I’m moving an hour away from everything I know. I only visit the Inland Empire when visiting family friends, or when traveling through to Arizona, I’d be lying if I said the idea of moving doesn’t scare me. I know there are people making far bigger moves than I have, there’s people moving states, countries, whole continents, and they don’t make a fuss. But am I so dramatic for being scared of leaving behind so much that I love, leaving behind wonderful memories and traumas that I just might miss equally?

Maybe I am dramatic, but this is a big change to me. So much has happened to me in less than a month, I got so many things ripped right away from me, I feel vulnerable, raw, exposed to the world. Like I’ve been skinned alive, and all I can do is ask for water. I don’t know how I will or even am coping with this. My mind and body have been so busy with other things, my momma has had me running around for groceries and other things with her, I haven’t really had a chance to properly process what I’ve lost. And now I have to just- leave it all behind. So what now? What will become of me?

I have, of course, been thinking of my future. At my young age, what else can I really do? This morning I received an email telling me to prepare to register for the community college summer semester, which I- apparently applied for? I need to email them back to ask about that for sure… But with talks about college coming along, I have to think of my major, what I’ll study, and what I will dedicate my life to, essentially. And this brings me exactly to the main point of this entry.

Do we have to choose between surviving and truly living?

For the longest time, I wanted to be a filmmaker. I adore films, I met my lover through a shared love of films and videogames, I have an AMC membership I use at every chance I get for cheap Tuesday tickets. But, love is not enough. At least not in this day and age, or at least not for me. I can’t live off of love itself, as much as I wish I could. My love for art won’t pay the bills, there’s not much I could do if I went to film school besides hope and pray that luck will strike me. I don’t want to sound insanely negative, I believe if you have the means and the chance to pursue your dreams, then go for it! Who am I to say no? But that’s just my issue, I don’t have the means or the chance to pursue my dreams. I’m poor! I’m broke! Money isn’t everything, I know, but it does feel like that sometimes.

As you may know, I have since pivoted to trying to convince myself that I enjoy science and that it will bring me great joy to major in some type of environmental science. I wanted to just get college and university over with so I could become a park ranger at any national park. This felt like an obtainable dream, I mean, it’s a government job! I’d get so many benefits, a good secure government job! What could be better than that?

A while ago, I woke up to see the news reporting the lay-off of hundreds of employees of the National Park Service and many related government organizations. I realized another dream of mine was being taken from me. And what could I even do about it?

This made me question, why do so many people, especially the younger generation like me, have to give up their dreams just to survive? Why do I have to give up everything I’ve ever wanted just to pay the bills, just to live another day? How fucked up is that? I know I could still pursue this dream, I know I’m backing myself into a corner, digging myself into a big hole and crying about it, but god don’t these things just make you want to? How am I supposed to dedicate my life to something I fear will be gone within the next 4 years? Presidential orders are being made to cut down forests, to shut down so many systems and organizations dedicated to protecting the vast wilderness of America, how am I supposed to feel when the president is making such inhumane statements of, “Drill, baby, drill.”? Inhumane to our country, inhumane to the people, why dedicate such a powerful role to destroying that which you are meant to protect? America has been blessed with such varying biomes within her lands, from swamps to deserts, to towering glaciers and beautiful forests, why destroy that? It devastates me, and devastates so many others.

I will end this entry now, before it gets any longer. This is posted completely unedited, everything always is posted unedited! I thought I’d have something clever and insightful to say at the end, but I really don’t. Instead, I’m filled with a longing for the wild, to be knee deep in a freezing river again and to stand under a waterfall again. And I hope I will get that chance again soon.

*Fun Fact! My father helped in resoration and building many of the homes and stores on the shore of Crystal Cove! My uncle fell off a roof there!