3-11-2025

As I said, I've had a very busy 2 weeks...

College

With my current school issues, I have been pushed to lock the fuck in. Today, I woke up, filled out 2 community college applications, and inhaled some pancakes, hashbrowns, and bacon. With a Pepsi, because of course. I'm lucky enough to live in sunny California, with the California Promise, and because of this I get 2 free years of college. I've jumped around so many possible routes since elementary school. My recent, greatest dream, was being a park ranger. More on that in a minute, but point is: we don't always get what we want. Point is, I don't come from a rich or well off family, I don't have a college fund, all I have is the ability to apply to scholarships and grants and many many resumes. I don't have the opportunity to just- follow my dreams, because I don't have the money to. So, I'm following my cousins into criminology. Or at least something similar. I don't really know.

If there's one thing I do know, it's that I've always been pretty aimless. I just drift. I have some lofty dreams but I'm just so unsure of myself I don't think they will ever come to fruition. I have very little faith in myself. I mean, I didn't even think I'd be alive for this long. I thought I'd be long dead by now, but I'm not. I'm sitting, on the couch, I'm freezing even in my favorite sweater and my mom is mad that no one cleaned up the table. I didn't think I'd make it this far is my point. And so now I just don't really know what to do! It's frustrating as hell. I'm slowly but surely easing my way into what I'm setting myself to do for my life. And I think this horrific ordeal, moving house, moving city and even county which may not seem like a lot but very much so is to me, and starting fresh just might be what helps me. Of course, along with my therapist, who already calls me very shy and polite.

My Past Plans

A rather short point in today's entry of The Happenings. For a few years, especially since my first visit to Yosemite National Park in 2018, I've loved the outdoors and yearned to spend as much time as possible in the wilderness. I wanted so dearly and deeply to work in one, I wanted to go study natural or environmental sciences even though i very much dislike science just for a better chance at getting a job in a national park. However, with the way the National Park Service and so many other envirnomental groups within the government have been getting fucked over lately, I lost faith in that dream. As much as I hate to say it, to me, my career and work is about the money. As I said, I am not from a rich family, I did not grow up with much and spent a lot of my life in rented rooms and small apartments, for fucks sake man I was on food stamps! I gave up filmmaking already, as much as I wish I could have pursued that. I just can't. And now, something else I hold so dearly to me is just out of my reach. Criminology, stuff like that, it's just more secure. And how ugly is that? To give up unbelievable amounts of happiness for the sake of staying alive, just barely. But it's the truth. As unfortunate as it may seem, it's my truth. But enough of that for now.

Boatloads of Books

I have been blessed with boatloads of free time lately, and with that, boatloads of time to read the boatloads of books I have unread! I recently read Columbine by Dave Cullen and will be rereading with annotations. I am very fond of annotating my books, right now my most annotated book is The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien. I want to give my full attention to my spanish copy of Frankenstein by Mary Shelley that I had picked up during my trip to Mexico in a bookstore right across from Bellas Artes. There are so many books I have that I have yet to read, I will get nice wooden furniture for my new room, a nice new shelf so I can put my books there and have them all there to myself.

Creating CDs for the Car!

Recently, my family has gotten a new car! I was about as excited as one can be, but the real treat was a feature long gone from newer and more modern cars, which by the title you can probably guess what it is. A CD player! Now, if you know me outside my website, you know I love collecting and making CDs. So these last few days, I have been gracing my family with my music, including music from Jeff Buckley and Leonard Cohen. I adore them both so dearly. Despite everything life has thrown at me in the last month or so, music has kept me here and grounded in tough times. It always has, even though sometimes music can make my bad moments worse, but that's just because I'm too damn emotional sometimes. Eitherway, if you spend enough time on my website, you can tell I love music. Which reminds me, I gotta update my music page soon, I left it under construction! That will be updated soon, another promise. Until then, I will continue to share my music with you all (my dear readers) on the left side of all my entries by giving the little scrolling image a click! Pretty cool, huh?